angels singing

this is the latest email that i sent Pastor David.  i think there is some pretty powerful stuff in here...



david-

hey.  it was great to see you earlier.  i had been wanting to talk to you, but you seemed busy, and having a conversation with both the kids around can be difficult.  :)  i did have a few questions that i wanted to run by you though.

i wanted to know if its normal that i am having swings in my faith. maybe its because im such a baby. most of the time it feels like this little flame burning in my chest. but sometimes out of nowhere it seems like that little flame gets a breath of oxygen and it just explodes into a fire.  for example, last night when everyone was asleep i went to the kitchen to clean some things up, and all of a sudden, all of the normal household noises (the water running, the plates clanging together, my feet moving across the floor, even the dog barking) sounded like music.  it was so beautiful that i just had to stop what i was doing and listen.  it was like angels were singing.  it was just so amazing and powerful that my whole body went warm and i closed my eyes and just listened.  at times like that, i feel God.  i feel His presence around me and its so awesome that i just cry and cry. 

but there are other times when i'm looking for that feeling, that i need that feeling, and its just not there.  there's nothing.  in fact, there's doubt. there's that little voice in my head that says that this whole thing is just silly.  i'm pretty sure that's normal, especially considering where i have come from.  but i just don't understand how i can have this feeling that's so big and strong, that i know is so right, and then turn around and doubt that feeling.  it's very confusing to me.  maybe it's selfish, but i want that fire all the time.  maybe i'm just trying to run before i walk.  i don't know.  the only thing i know to do during those times of doubt is to pray.  to apologize.  to ask for God to help me grow my faith. 

studying the word helps.  every time i open my bible it seems that i find something that is so relevant to what i am feeling at the time, which is really cool.  robert and i have been working on matthew together, and i have started genesis on my own.  it is really neat to me to see how everything unfolds.  how the bible speaks to me in such a different way now that i am saved. 

the other question that i have is that ever since i was saved i have had no interest in music anymore, which might not sound like that big of a deal, but to me it is.  i used to mainline music.  i'm not kidding when i say that i had my mp3 player going 10 hours out of the day. now i hardly even want to turn the radio on in the car.  i just don't understand why.  i miss it so much, but i just can't bring myself to turn it on.  i was just wondering if you had any thoughts on that.  

thanks for listening. 

a

like i said, powerful i think.... i love this email because it is so honest.  point blank, sometimes i struggle with my belief in God.  i know im still a baby, but like i said in the email... i want so bad for my faith to be so strong.  its frustrating for me that it isnt.  but the amazing thing about it is that every single day i feel it grow just a little bit.... sometimes it grows leaps and bounds in just a few seconds.  (like when i was standing in the kitchen that night)   i cant believe that after being saved for only a month i feel as strong as i do at some moments.  it makes me smile to imagine what my faith and walk will be like a year from now.... ten years from now.... when i think about it all i can say is... praise Jesus for my salvation!!



as stated this was the last email that i have that i have sent david.  i think i am going to start writing my testimonial to post next.  i hope that after you read that, you will come back and re-read some of these emails, because at that point you will know my whole story.   i think that with the back story the emails really take on a whole new meaning.  they show how far a person can come when they have Christ walking with them.  

also, if any of you out there have any thoughts on the whole music thing, i would love to hear them.... i have started listening again, but i dont get the same enjoyment out of it that i used to.... and i do miss it.  :(