abortion and forgiveness

hello all-

man, i know it has been forever since ive posted, but i have been super busy with life.  things have been going so great for robert and i the past two months or so.  i have finally started to learn that the more i bend to Gods will, the more things (by Gods hand) fall into place...and in turn, the happier and more content i become.  God is just so awesome.



so heres whats been going on with me.  when i left you i had just started to see God moving around me so powerfully.  i was beginning to realize what i said earlier about bending to His will.  that, inevitably, the second i do what i know He wants, He reveals Himself to me in very powerful ways.  thats not to say that i dont fight Him over it... it seems that He and i do battle pretty often actually... but like brother dave told me the other day... we always know who is going to win those battles.  so i am really trying to stop questioning why He wants to work through me the way He has been.... and i find that the more i just go with it... the better and happier i feel.  its really really cool actually.

now, before i get into the meat of this blog, i just want to say that what i have to tell you is deeply personal.  in fact, until very recently, robert was the only person that knew about this.  i am acutely aware that people have very strong opinions on this topic, and i just want to ask that you read the whole blog... because i know that God has something very powerful that He wants to say through me.

one of the things that i fought Him over recently was an outreach ministry He wanted me to be involved in.  a group of people in my church that i have been extremely drawn too started a ministry through our church with the purpose of doing missions and outreach.  i knew from the second that i saw their flier in our church bulletin that God wanted me to be involved in this ministry.  but i fought God over it because i felt like i wasnt ready to be doing some of the things that they were doing.  you see, i felt like i was still such a baby in my walk... i felt like i wasnt ready to be witnessing to people in the way that God was asking me to through this group.  the fact that He was asking me to do this completely threw me for a loop, because i felt like He was asking me to do more than i was ready to do.  i was barely able to speak about my faith, and God was asking me to join this group and do things like carrying an 8 foot cross around the mall in our area?  but through prayer, i realized that i was drawn to these people for a reason.  i bent to His will and went to the first meeting.  and i am so glad that i did, because through it i know that God has helped other people... and by doing that...He has helped heal me.

light this city ministry, started off as a bible study class about missions and outreach.  (you can check it out here and "like" it if you want to learn more) it quickly became a place where a core group of individuals gathered to start outreaches that God had placed on our hearts.  some of the things that God has been doing through us include the cross carries i was talking about earlier,  feeding, clothing, and ministering to the homeless,  prayer vigils, and group fasting.

so here i was... i felt like i was doing His will so well.  i was stepping out of my comfort zone to try and spread the word.  but one night we were sitting in class and one of my friends brought up a ministry that had been placed on his heart.  it is called "40 days for life" and it is a ministry that does peaceful prayer vigils at abortion clinics.  my heart almost stopped when he brought it up... this was the one ministry that i had been praying would never be brought up because i knew that i couldnt do it.  i knew i couldnt be involved in this ministry because i have had two abortions.

i remember so clearly shutting myself off that night in class when my friend brought it up.  my face went slack and i didnt say another word for the rest of the meeting.  i felt like i couldnt say anything for fear of being judged.  but the Lord works through His servants.  He placed it on another group members heart to speak to me after class.  this person let me know that he was there for me if i needed to talk, so we made plans to meet up for coffee that week to discuss why i had shut down that night in class.  we talked about a lot of things that night... my faith... his faith... Gods will... but i never did reveal why i had acted the way i had in class that night.  then, in the middle of our conversation God slammed me with a vision....  of me... on my knees...  praying outside of a planned parenthood during this vigil that was going on.

i didnt say anything to my friend about that vision, but when i got in my car, i cried the whole way home.  i begged God not to make me do this.... and then He hit me with another vision.

heres the part of the story where i have to take you back a bit.  in this blog i talked a little bit about the vision God gave me the first time i repented for something.  what i left out of that blog was the fact that i had just repented for my abortions. 

you see, i was sitting in my pew before service that night and i was doing a little research about the rapture.  one of the things i read was that when the rapture happens pregnant women who are not saved will go into shock when the babies in their bellies are swept up to heaven.  the next sentence hit me like a ton of bricks..."and then people will know how God feels about abortion." i almost lost it in the middle of church that night because the weight of those decisions that i had made hit me for the first time.  for the first time since i had had those abortions i realized that i had killed a child....  that what had been "swept" out of my womb was not a "clump of cells"... but had in fact been a living soul.

i was crushed by what i had done. for the first time i understood what repentance was about.... its not just about asking for forgiveness... its about turning away from sin.  you see, i never thought that i would have had an abortion... but i had always been pro choice.  i totally bought into the propaganda that it was a womans right to choose to get rid of a few "cells" in her uterus.  but that night i turned from that view point and became more pro life than i ever though i would have been.

like i said in my earlier blog... God really wanted me to know that i had been forgiven for those abortions that i had committed.  as i was praying at the end of service that night the vision He gave me was of my two children... in heaven... being held by Jesus.... and so happy.  He was letting me know that they were ok... that they were happy... that they were being taken care of... that they were waiting for me.... and lastly... that i was forgiven.  i cant even begin to describe to you how powerfully that vision has affected me.

so as i was driving home from coffee that night... as i was begging Him not to make me do this prayer vigil... He gave me that vision of my children with Jesus again.  now, i dont know if this will make any sense to you, but i knew that Him showing me that vision again was His way of telling me that it had been His plan from the beginning that i would be involved with 40 days for life.  but i still wasnt ready to go through with it.  i wasnt ready to be judged by other people.  so He decided to hit me with something else... He let me know that i am in a very unique position to witness to people about abortion... not just because i have gone through with this procedure... but because of the fact that i am adopted.... you see, i am in a unique position because i know first hand how all three of the options women have can turn out. 

it was so painful when He hit me with that... because it was then that i realized that the only reason that i am here is because my birth mother was stronger than me... that she chose an option that let me live.... and because of that i am able to share my story.... to try and help others be stronger than i was... to be as strong as my mother.

so here i was... begging God not to make me do this... He hit me with all of these things in just a matter of seconds... and it took me a couple of days to really connect all of the dots like i have for you now.  but i finally got it... and even though i fought Him over it some more... i finally bent to His will and went with robert down to the planned parenthood south of houston ... i got on my knees... and i prayed...  i prayed for forgiveness... i prayed for women to change their minds...i prayed for the babies that were being aborted... i prayed for comfort for the women that had had abortions... i prayed for the doctors that perform this procedure... i prayed until i couldnt pray anymore.... and as i was on my knees outside that building... with tears streaming down my face... i started to feel God beginning to heal me.   to heal the hurt that i didnt even realize i had inside of me... to heal the pain that i had been carrying around for so long... i felt Him let me know that it was time for me to forgive myself for what i had done.... it was one of the most powerful experiences that i have had in a long time.

so here is where i start to tie all of this together for all of you... because this blog isnt just about abortion.  i know that God has one specific person that He wants to speak to through this blog.  i dont know who that is... but He has put it so heavy on my heart that someone needs to read what He is trying to say through me.  to that person i say that abortion is not just a simple medical procedure that gently removes some cells from your womb.  i can tell you from first hand experience that the doctors that perform this procedure will try you convince you that that is all that they are doing to you.  but its not... it is a child that they are removing from you.  i wont post the links to the sites that show pictures of what the child looks like that they remove from your body.  the shock factor is not my style... but they are out there if you want to look for them....i have seen them... and they are heart breaking.   what they remove is not just a clump of cells... if you google the images for yourself you will see that the cells that they remove are more human looking than any doctor that performs this procedure will lead you to believe.... and if that doesnt convince you... the fact that those cells have a soul should... i can also tell you that, aside from the physical pain that you will experience,  the emotional pain that you will go through is much much worse.  you cant even begin to imagine the pain that you will feel when you realize the immensity of what you have done.  so i beg of you to spend some deep time in prayer... ask Him to show you His will... and i guarantee you that He will show you a way to move forward that does not include abortion.

with that being said... if you have had an abortion i want to let you know that God will forgive you... nothing is too big for Him to handle.  His word tells us that He will cast your sin "as far as the east is from the west" if you ask Him to forgive you.  in fact, He will wash you clean as snow, and He will not even remember the sin after you have repented.... and that goes for everyone out there reading this blog.  nothing is too big for God to forgive.  there is nothing you can do that can separate you from the love of God... and that is why i have decided to post this.  i am sharing this because what i did was pretty horrible... but i know beyond the shadow of a doubt that i have been forgiven... and because i know that He forgave me for what i did... i know that He will forgive you for the things that you have done.  not only that... but He will also heal you from the pain that your sins have caused you.... He wants to heal you... all you have to do ask Him... so if what you have done is keeping you from having a close relationship with God because you are worried that He couldnt forgive you... He can... and He will.

i know that most of you that read this blog are saved... for those of you that are not... He wants to heal you too... and when He forgives you and heals you... it is so complete.  you will get a sense of peace and calmness that can only come from Him... i cant even begin to describe how it feels... but its good... its awesome actually.  but before you can ask Him to heal you... you have to invite Him into your life... you have to pray that blessed prayer of salvation... and accept Him as your savior...and when you do... look out... because it will change your life.

thanks for taking the time to read this guys.  it has been on my heart to post for awhile now... i kind of held off on it because it is such a heavy topic.  now that i have done it, i have a feeling that He is going to give me some happier things to share with you....and i look forward to posting more often.  i love all of you.

a